It's monday today and I'm still feeling tired from a night out two nights ago. I finally decided to go out after almost 2 months, but only because it was Halloween. I really wasn't all that excited like the previous 5 years, but I managed to throw some stuff together and went to Marquee as a flapper girl. I bought a wig, and a cigarette holder, and wore my own dress, stockings, shoes and carried my own bag. At least I know I won't look like everyone else on the streets. I saw a guy in a gym outfit, wearing rat ears, nose and whiskers. So I asked if he was the rat in Ratatoiulle and he said "No, I am a gym rat!" ... I'm really amazed by how much effort these people actually put in to come up with an outfit just for halloween! There were lotsa wonderwomen and gypsies this year, unlike the previous years where there were too many uniformed women. I got bored after an hour, very unlike my usual self. I think I've outgrown the partying scene. I can tell because my shopping habits have changed... I no longer buy party clothes. And, I don't even like putting on all that much make up anymore. My face broke out in spots after ONE night of partying, and I woke up feeling like I'd drank a barrel of vodka, when I had ONE drink.
I must say that I have to salute Kelly's courage for wearing a pizza outfit that night. She looked hilarious and I couldn't stop laughing when I saw her. She got me so hungry, I bought myself a slice of pizza after I left the club.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
An encounter with my 6 year old cousin
My 6 year old cousin sent me a message on MSN today and she asked me how old I am this year. It was a simple "How old are you?" with no underlying intentions of "can I sleep with you?" or "can I join you and your friends so that WE (meaning him) can get into the club?". It was such an innocent and straightforward question that I reacted with a "what do you mean?" question. My six year old cousin who probably thinks I am retarded because I don't quite understand a simple "how old are you question" then asked "why are you always on your computer? are you always at home?". Since when did kids become so technologically saavy and so smart? And do they always speak their mind? If so, when exactly do people start hiding their thoughts and how they feel? I felt like a loser, even my 6 year old cousin thinks I lack a social life. I replied "Yes, I am always at home. My work requires me to use the computer." And she replied so cleverly "don't use your computer too much. Very bad for your eyes!" I quickly said that I had to go, that I had to finish up some work.. and she said "ok...bye"
Exactly 1 min later, the MSN window started flashing. "HI.... which countree are you staying now?" and I chuckled. She obviously doesn't know the importance of work and deadline because she has never had to do work or face a deadline. I replied "New York City, in the USA". She replied "where is that?" How do I tell her that the USA is an area south of Canada??? So I just said "VERY FAR AWAY!" and she said "Me, Timothy (her brother), Felicia (her sister), Gerald (her brother), Pin Chong (her dad), Bee Lian (her mum), we are going to a countree at the end of the year"... I already think my cousin is very Americanized, calling her mum and dad by their first name. I asked which country they are going to visit and she said "EJEEP" in capitalized letters. "WOW, I've never been there... CAN I GO WITH YOU????" And she said bluntly "No, we booked everything already" and I decided to joke around a little and lighten things up, so I said "It's ok, I can share the bed with you!!" and she replied bluntly "I have to go and do something now. bye"
A 6 year old kid just outrightly rejected me. She wasn't even trying to be nice to me. Maybe I should start learning from her, and just speak my mind.
Exactly 1 min later, the MSN window started flashing. "HI.... which countree are you staying now?" and I chuckled. She obviously doesn't know the importance of work and deadline because she has never had to do work or face a deadline. I replied "New York City, in the USA". She replied "where is that?" How do I tell her that the USA is an area south of Canada??? So I just said "VERY FAR AWAY!" and she said "Me, Timothy (her brother), Felicia (her sister), Gerald (her brother), Pin Chong (her dad), Bee Lian (her mum), we are going to a countree at the end of the year"... I already think my cousin is very Americanized, calling her mum and dad by their first name. I asked which country they are going to visit and she said "EJEEP" in capitalized letters. "WOW, I've never been there... CAN I GO WITH YOU????" And she said bluntly "No, we booked everything already" and I decided to joke around a little and lighten things up, so I said "It's ok, I can share the bed with you!!" and she replied bluntly "I have to go and do something now. bye"
A 6 year old kid just outrightly rejected me. She wasn't even trying to be nice to me. Maybe I should start learning from her, and just speak my mind.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Nothing said...
I came back from school today and I felt as though the world has stopped revolving, that everything around me has ceased to exist. I spent my entire 45 mins on the train pondering. When I have too much time, I ponder. I pondered about my life, and I pondered about his, and how our lives are so disconnected but yet so intertwined, how we are so different but yet we still stand together on the same side. I thought about what I would have done the last one week when I was seriously ill without him. I stayed home the last 5 days with him, and never once left home to go out for brunch or to the gym. Not without him at least. We went to Whole Foods, spent a good whole hour in there just walking up and down the aisles, looking at every single item on the shelves and not saying a word. We strolled down Chinatown to get some porridge and some herbal soup, and stared at the empty dining tables filled with chinese raw vegetables waiting to be chopped up. And he asked why Chinese food is so cheap compared to western food, and I told him that it's because the Americans capitalized them. We strolled up and down Court Street in Brooklyn at midnight, our new found hang out spot in Brooklyn, and enjoyed the quietness and the chilliness of the night. We sat in the subway station waiting for the G train at 12.06am even though there were signs plastered all the walls saying "No G trains from 12.01am - 5am" and we rejoiced silently when the G train miraculously came at 12.09am. We sat in the train and automatically pulled out books to read throughout the entire journey. We barely spoke the last five days, but yet we were connected in so many different ways.
Today we woke up and we both talked. We talked about stuff we never usually talked about. He told me about his worries, and I told him about my life long plans. We talked about things that made the both of us sad and he said things that made me happy. We talked and we talked, and it was like we were talking to make up for lost time. We went for coffee at LifeThyme and stared at the rain that hit the streets so hard. I sipped on my coffee while he ate his pie and we stared at the rain until I had to leave for school. We bumped into each other again when I came back from class, and he grabbed my arm when he was stepping into the train while I was stepping out, and shooked me out of my own world. I turned and saw the door closed between us. He smiled at me through the glass door, and I smiled back. As I watched the train leave the track I never felt so lost yet so alone standing on the very familiar track that I've been standing on every single day.
I opened the door to the apartment and I saw a bowl of salad prepared the way I like it and I smiled. I knew I was home. Over the last 5 days, even though we did things together quietly, sometimes even without a word said, I felt like we had the longest and most engaging conversations ever.
Today we woke up and we both talked. We talked about stuff we never usually talked about. He told me about his worries, and I told him about my life long plans. We talked about things that made the both of us sad and he said things that made me happy. We talked and we talked, and it was like we were talking to make up for lost time. We went for coffee at LifeThyme and stared at the rain that hit the streets so hard. I sipped on my coffee while he ate his pie and we stared at the rain until I had to leave for school. We bumped into each other again when I came back from class, and he grabbed my arm when he was stepping into the train while I was stepping out, and shooked me out of my own world. I turned and saw the door closed between us. He smiled at me through the glass door, and I smiled back. As I watched the train leave the track I never felt so lost yet so alone standing on the very familiar track that I've been standing on every single day.
I opened the door to the apartment and I saw a bowl of salad prepared the way I like it and I smiled. I knew I was home. Over the last 5 days, even though we did things together quietly, sometimes even without a word said, I felt like we had the longest and most engaging conversations ever.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Stranger in the mirror
As I moved from my old blog to a new one, it reminded me of how a chapter of my life has ended, and how I've moved on to another. Looking back, every single blog that I've owned (this is my 3rd one) portrayed my thoughts and actions during a certain phase in life.
My very first blog started in the UK, and showed the parties I attended at University, travel pictures with my school buddies, lotsa drinking and crazy partying involved, and random posts about my thoughts and life in the UK and back home in Singapore. I was a kid then, with the need to announce to the world how great my life was. My blog ended on a bad note with too much being said.
Then I started my second blog when I moved to New York City on an angry note. I was angry with the world, for judging me before getting knowing me. But I got over that and moved on to comparing my life in NYC to Warwick/London. It was like a first step into the world of indulgence where it was no longer just cheap beers at the Union, budget travel and cooking sessions with my flat mates, but going for ballet performances, networking sessions, expensive dinners, expensive drinks at the clubs and exotic vacations. Then gradually, as I slowly transcend into the working world, it went from expensive dinners every month to very expensive dinners almost every week, designers clothes, bags and shoes, excessive exercising and unhealthy obsession with counting calories, limousine car rides home every night, weekend trips to exotic islands/lodges, flying business class and leading the high life. It got over my head, and I had to let everyone know how my life couldnt have been better. I had the perfect job in the perfect city, with lotsa money to spend, and I was slim for once! It was a dream that ended all too soon when I realized how much I hated my job, how arrogant and condescending I've become. I've turned into someone that I've always hated. I had a short fuse and I was very superficial. Something told me to run then, and I did. I left my job and everything came crashing. My perfect life was no longer perfect, I had savings to rely on, but no positive cashflows and I had visa problems.
I had the option of following the crowd and return to the banking industry or to take the road less travelled to discover myself. And with a leap of faith, I chose the latter. I need to find myself. Every individual has gone through this phase during their younger years, but I didn't. I never gave myself a chance to ask myself what I wanted or what I liked. On any drama series, there is successful sibling who runs the family business, and then there is the other wholives his or her life to the fullest doing the things he or she loves to do. I've always wanted to be the more successful one. Maybe it's the pressure to prove my worth, but I've always felt the need to be better than everyone else around me. Everything was black and white then. If I wasn't successful, I would be useless. Today, as I've lived 24 years of my life, I have no idea who I am.
Nothing is black and white anymore, there's no wrong or right, and everything is just a big whirl of blur. Even though I still find myself asking if I will like what I've gone into, I've no regrets going into it because it has taught me alot about life and the reasons behind the decisions I've made so far in life. Be it Marketing, Leadership, Events Organization or Applied Research, I've somehow managed to use theories that I've learnt in these classes to justify my previous actions. These classes have also taught me to manage myself as a person, and that I should know my strengths and weaknesses and not try to change who I am and be someone that I am not. Sometimes something so simple can be easier said than done, but all my life, I've been trying to change myself so that I can become the person I WANT to be and not the person that I am or can be.
As I start on a brand new blog, I wonder how it will shape the person that I will be and the content that will be written a couple of months from now. Maybe I'll find myself then, maybe I'll be discouraged and disappointed, maybe I'll change into a brand new person. There are so many possibilities, but I would rather not drive myself crazy and think about it. I've always believed in fate and I wonder where it will take me to this time.
My very first blog started in the UK, and showed the parties I attended at University, travel pictures with my school buddies, lotsa drinking and crazy partying involved, and random posts about my thoughts and life in the UK and back home in Singapore. I was a kid then, with the need to announce to the world how great my life was. My blog ended on a bad note with too much being said.
Then I started my second blog when I moved to New York City on an angry note. I was angry with the world, for judging me before getting knowing me. But I got over that and moved on to comparing my life in NYC to Warwick/London. It was like a first step into the world of indulgence where it was no longer just cheap beers at the Union, budget travel and cooking sessions with my flat mates, but going for ballet performances, networking sessions, expensive dinners, expensive drinks at the clubs and exotic vacations. Then gradually, as I slowly transcend into the working world, it went from expensive dinners every month to very expensive dinners almost every week, designers clothes, bags and shoes, excessive exercising and unhealthy obsession with counting calories, limousine car rides home every night, weekend trips to exotic islands/lodges, flying business class and leading the high life. It got over my head, and I had to let everyone know how my life couldnt have been better. I had the perfect job in the perfect city, with lotsa money to spend, and I was slim for once! It was a dream that ended all too soon when I realized how much I hated my job, how arrogant and condescending I've become. I've turned into someone that I've always hated. I had a short fuse and I was very superficial. Something told me to run then, and I did. I left my job and everything came crashing. My perfect life was no longer perfect, I had savings to rely on, but no positive cashflows and I had visa problems.
I had the option of following the crowd and return to the banking industry or to take the road less travelled to discover myself. And with a leap of faith, I chose the latter. I need to find myself. Every individual has gone through this phase during their younger years, but I didn't. I never gave myself a chance to ask myself what I wanted or what I liked. On any drama series, there is successful sibling who runs the family business, and then there is the other wholives his or her life to the fullest doing the things he or she loves to do. I've always wanted to be the more successful one. Maybe it's the pressure to prove my worth, but I've always felt the need to be better than everyone else around me. Everything was black and white then. If I wasn't successful, I would be useless. Today, as I've lived 24 years of my life, I have no idea who I am.
Nothing is black and white anymore, there's no wrong or right, and everything is just a big whirl of blur. Even though I still find myself asking if I will like what I've gone into, I've no regrets going into it because it has taught me alot about life and the reasons behind the decisions I've made so far in life. Be it Marketing, Leadership, Events Organization or Applied Research, I've somehow managed to use theories that I've learnt in these classes to justify my previous actions. These classes have also taught me to manage myself as a person, and that I should know my strengths and weaknesses and not try to change who I am and be someone that I am not. Sometimes something so simple can be easier said than done, but all my life, I've been trying to change myself so that I can become the person I WANT to be and not the person that I am or can be.
As I start on a brand new blog, I wonder how it will shape the person that I will be and the content that will be written a couple of months from now. Maybe I'll find myself then, maybe I'll be discouraged and disappointed, maybe I'll change into a brand new person. There are so many possibilities, but I would rather not drive myself crazy and think about it. I've always believed in fate and I wonder where it will take me to this time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)