As I moved from my old blog to a new one, it reminded me of how a chapter of my life has ended, and how I've moved on to another. Looking back, every single blog that I've owned (this is my 3rd one) portrayed my thoughts and actions during a certain phase in life.
My very first blog started in the UK, and showed the parties I attended at University, travel pictures with my school buddies, lotsa drinking and crazy partying involved, and random posts about my thoughts and life in the UK and back home in Singapore. I was a kid then, with the need to announce to the world how great my life was. My blog ended on a bad note with too much being said.
Then I started my second blog when I moved to New York City on an angry note. I was angry with the world, for judging me before getting knowing me. But I got over that and moved on to comparing my life in NYC to Warwick/London. It was like a first step into the world of indulgence where it was no longer just cheap beers at the Union, budget travel and cooking sessions with my flat mates, but going for ballet performances, networking sessions, expensive dinners, expensive drinks at the clubs and exotic vacations. Then gradually, as I slowly transcend into the working world, it went from expensive dinners every month to very expensive dinners almost every week, designers clothes, bags and shoes, excessive exercising and unhealthy obsession with counting calories, limousine car rides home every night, weekend trips to exotic islands/lodges, flying business class and leading the high life. It got over my head, and I had to let everyone know how my life couldnt have been better. I had the perfect job in the perfect city, with lotsa money to spend, and I was slim for once! It was a dream that ended all too soon when I realized how much I hated my job, how arrogant and condescending I've become. I've turned into someone that I've always hated. I had a short fuse and I was very superficial. Something told me to run then, and I did. I left my job and everything came crashing. My perfect life was no longer perfect, I had savings to rely on, but no positive cashflows and I had visa problems.
I had the option of following the crowd and return to the banking industry or to take the road less travelled to discover myself. And with a leap of faith, I chose the latter. I need to find myself. Every individual has gone through this phase during their younger years, but I didn't. I never gave myself a chance to ask myself what I wanted or what I liked. On any drama series, there is successful sibling who runs the family business, and then there is the other wholives his or her life to the fullest doing the things he or she loves to do. I've always wanted to be the more successful one. Maybe it's the pressure to prove my worth, but I've always felt the need to be better than everyone else around me. Everything was black and white then. If I wasn't successful, I would be useless. Today, as I've lived 24 years of my life, I have no idea who I am.
Nothing is black and white anymore, there's no wrong or right, and everything is just a big whirl of blur. Even though I still find myself asking if I will like what I've gone into, I've no regrets going into it because it has taught me alot about life and the reasons behind the decisions I've made so far in life. Be it Marketing, Leadership, Events Organization or Applied Research, I've somehow managed to use theories that I've learnt in these classes to justify my previous actions. These classes have also taught me to manage myself as a person, and that I should know my strengths and weaknesses and not try to change who I am and be someone that I am not. Sometimes something so simple can be easier said than done, but all my life, I've been trying to change myself so that I can become the person I WANT to be and not the person that I am or can be.
As I start on a brand new blog, I wonder how it will shape the person that I will be and the content that will be written a couple of months from now. Maybe I'll find myself then, maybe I'll be discouraged and disappointed, maybe I'll change into a brand new person. There are so many possibilities, but I would rather not drive myself crazy and think about it. I've always believed in fate and I wonder where it will take me to this time.
No comments:
Post a Comment