Mr Cellophane

My entire life was spent trying to fathom him. To me, he is someone that I truly fear yet respect. He is like a mysterious author who conveys messages indirectly and discreetly and to fully understand his "hidden message", readers have to read between the lines. I have studied him like a book and have failed miserably to understand him. Over the years, the constant attempts to dissect his mysterious motives have sharpened my abilities to see right through people. Most people, in general, are easy and they are basically what they show themselves to be; no hidden messages whatsoever. Some people try to convey a message discreetly but fail terribly as I scrutinize and peel the mask that covers them. He, is however a tough riddle to crack. He is very intelligent and very inconsistent with his actions, like a general who never uses the same strategy at war.

Just yesterday, my mum made a comment about a friend who is living close to Mount Vernon. The words "Mount Vernon" immediately reminded me of my late grandfather who was cremated there 15 years ago.

He has always been a very filial son and who has always preached about being grateful and I knew then that the words "mount Vernon" must have struck a chord in his head, but I wasn't sure. It might just be another failed attempt to decipher him, and I found myself wondering if he was reminded of his late father and if he would take time out of his extremely busy schedule to pay his respect, something that he has not done in a long time. I thought then that I would never find out since he was not known for showing his emotions.

Later on that day, my mum received a phone call from my dad asking us if we wanted to go visit the "old man", an endearing term that he uses whenever he refers to his dad. I let a smile slipped though my mouth as though I had solved a very difficult riddle. Is this finally a start to a brand new era, or is this the beginning to an end? Did I finally break the code? Am I finally getting to know him? Or has old aged changed the way he think? Is he becoming more straightforward at conveying his messages?

I always thought that life is like composing music. When people are fairly young and the musical composition of their lives is still in its opening bars, it is hard to predict what goes into the writing of the song. However, as one gets older, their musical composition is complete, and every motif, every word is exposed. Maybe my dad's musical composition is finally complete.

Crystal Clear

As I sat on the sand after work watching the thundering waves hit the shore and the sun setting into the horizon, I rested my head on the sand to enjoy the sea breeze against my face. I opened my eyes to the best sight ever; a perfectly evenly colored blue sky. I stared at the vast blueness in front of me for a very long time. It was clear, untarnished, so simple and blue, and so beautiful, yet no one sees or appreciates it. Everyone is too involved with the people around them, they can't see the finer beauty in life. It dawned upon me that these people need to take a step back and look at things from a different angle so that they can see things clearly and understand it all.

The end of year 2007

The final leg of 2007 went by in a whirl. I was so caught up with school, moving into my new apartment, waitressing, babysitting and catching up with friends that I've neglected "me" time. I spent most of the days in December frantically typing on my laptop, blabbering about theories that made sense to me then, and speed-reading 600 pages in less than 36 hours. I have never felt my eyes so sore and my brain so drained at the same time. After 18 years of taking countless exams, I no longer worry about not remembering anything just before my exam because I know I can count on the phenomenal function of my brain to remember stuff when it is time for it to. It's almost like deja voo.


Spending the last week of December with my family almost everyday was a good change in pace and a chance for us to finally spend quality time together. The last time I actually had dinner with my dad everyday for three consecutive days was probably 10 years ago when we went on a vacation together. I've never woken up with my dad in the same vicinity or go to bed knowing that he's still awake. This time, we also spoke about different things on a different level. Maybe it is his age catching up with him and he feels the need to be more understanding, or perhaps I've learnt the art of expressing my provoking thoughts subtlety so that my conservative dad can digest them, but whatever it is, it is working well, and we spoke more than we ever did in the last 6 years. I feel that over the last 6 months, I've grown to be more understanding and compassionate and I try to put myself in someone else's shoes before passing a judgement. I've learnt to reassess situations and weigh the consequences, and I've also learnt to tell myself NO and to refrain myself from doing things that will give me temporary satisfaction but can potentially be detrimental in the long run. Sometimes all it takes is for something to go right before everything else falls into place.

Life is like a riddle. You collect clues along the way that will lead you to the right answer.

Me and my pizza friend

It's monday today and I'm still feeling tired from a night out two nights ago. I finally decided to go out after almost 2 months, but only because it was Halloween. I really wasn't all that excited like the previous 5 years, but I managed to throw some stuff together and went to Marquee as a flapper girl. I bought a wig, and a cigarette holder, and wore my own dress, stockings, shoes and carried my own bag. At least I know I won't look like everyone else on the streets. I saw a guy in a gym outfit, wearing rat ears, nose and whiskers. So I asked if he was the rat in Ratatoiulle and he said "No, I am a gym rat!" ... I'm really amazed by how much effort these people actually put in to come up with an outfit just for halloween! There were lotsa wonderwomen and gypsies this year, unlike the previous years where there were too many uniformed women. I got bored after an hour, very unlike my usual self. I think I've outgrown the partying scene. I can tell because my shopping habits have changed... I no longer buy party clothes. And, I don't even like putting on all that much make up anymore. My face broke out in spots after ONE night of partying, and I woke up feeling like I'd drank a barrel of vodka, when I had ONE drink.

I must say that I have to salute Kelly's courage for wearing a pizza outfit that night. She looked hilarious and I couldn't stop laughing when I saw her. She got me so hungry, I bought myself a slice of pizza after I left the club.

An encounter with my 6 year old cousin

My 6 year old cousin sent me a message on MSN today and she asked me how old I am this year. It was a simple "How old are you?" with no underlying intentions of "can I sleep with you?" or "can I join you and your friends so that WE (meaning him) can get into the club?". It was such an innocent and straightforward question that I reacted with a "what do you mean?" question. My six year old cousin who probably thinks I am retarded because I don't quite understand a simple "how old are you question" then asked "why are you always on your computer? are you always at home?". Since when did kids become so technologically saavy and so smart? And do they always speak their mind? If so, when exactly do people start hiding their thoughts and how they feel? I felt like a loser, even my 6 year old cousin thinks I lack a social life. I replied "Yes, I am always at home. My work requires me to use the computer." And she replied so cleverly "don't use your computer too much. Very bad for your eyes!" I quickly said that I had to go, that I had to finish up some work.. and she said "ok...bye"

Exactly 1 min later, the MSN window started flashing. "HI.... which countree are you staying now?" and I chuckled. She obviously doesn't know the importance of work and deadline because she has never had to do work or face a deadline. I replied "New York City, in the USA". She replied "where is that?" How do I tell her that the USA is an area south of Canada??? So I just said "VERY FAR AWAY!" and she said "Me, Timothy (her brother), Felicia (her sister), Gerald (her brother), Pin Chong (her dad), Bee Lian (her mum), we are going to a countree at the end of the year"... I already think my cousin is very Americanized, calling her mum and dad by their first name. I asked which country they are going to visit and she said "EJEEP" in capitalized letters. "WOW, I've never been there... CAN I GO WITH YOU????" And she said bluntly "No, we booked everything already" and I decided to joke around a little and lighten things up, so I said "It's ok, I can share the bed with you!!" and she replied bluntly "I have to go and do something now. bye"

A 6 year old kid just outrightly rejected me. She wasn't even trying to be nice to me. Maybe I should start learning from her, and just speak my mind.

Nothing said...

I came back from school today and I felt as though the world has stopped revolving, that everything around me has ceased to exist. I spent my entire 45 mins on the train pondering. When I have too much time, I ponder. I pondered about my life, and I pondered about his, and how our lives are so disconnected but yet so intertwined, how we are so different but yet we still stand together on the same side. I thought about what I would have done the last one week when I was seriously ill without him. I stayed home the last 5 days with him, and never once left home to go out for brunch or to the gym. Not without him at least. We went to Whole Foods, spent a good whole hour in there just walking up and down the aisles, looking at every single item on the shelves and not saying a word. We strolled down Chinatown to get some porridge and some herbal soup, and stared at the empty dining tables filled with chinese raw vegetables waiting to be chopped up. And he asked why Chinese food is so cheap compared to western food, and I told him that it's because the Americans capitalized them. We strolled up and down Court Street in Brooklyn at midnight, our new found hang out spot in Brooklyn, and enjoyed the quietness and the chilliness of the night. We sat in the subway station waiting for the G train at 12.06am even though there were signs plastered all the walls saying "No G trains from 12.01am - 5am" and we rejoiced silently when the G train miraculously came at 12.09am. We sat in the train and automatically pulled out books to read throughout the entire journey. We barely spoke the last five days, but yet we were connected in so many different ways.


Today we woke up and we both talked. We talked about stuff we never usually talked about. He told me about his worries, and I told him about my life long plans. We talked about things that made the both of us sad and he said things that made me happy. We talked and we talked, and it was like we were talking to make up for lost time. We went for coffee at LifeThyme and stared at the rain that hit the streets so hard. I sipped on my coffee while he ate his pie and we stared at the rain until I had to leave for school. We bumped into each other again when I came back from class, and he grabbed my arm when he was stepping into the train while I was stepping out, and shooked me out of my own world. I turned and saw the door closed between us. He smiled at me through the glass door, and I smiled back. As I watched the train leave the track I never felt so lost yet so alone standing on the very familiar track that I've been standing on every single day.

I opened the door to the apartment and I saw a bowl of salad prepared the way I like it and I smiled. I knew I was home. Over the last 5 days, even though we did things together quietly, sometimes even without a word said, I felt like we had the longest and most engaging conversations ever.