Burning fire

I am home. Even though I am surrounded by familiar faces, I still feel like a stranger, struggling to pick up from where I left off and relearning the way things are done here all over again. I thought it would be different this time since most of my friends are back, but I can't help but think of NYC. This feeling of uneasyness and awkwardness befounds me. Maybe it is the carefree lifestyle (that I will have to eventually give up), or the very fact that being so far away means avoiding all the problems back home or just the simple thought of his very existence that keeps me bonded to NYC, but regardless, I dread the day I have to leave the city that I fell in love in and with and lug my suitcases back to reality. It's almost like NYC has become my new home. I feel like I belong there, like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that fits. Ironically, I am surrounded by a sense of calm and tranquility amidst the hustle and bustle of the city.


I still think about him frequently. I wonder if he hears me and sees the things I see. I wonder if he is doing well and if he is in a better place. It's like a burning fire that I cannot put out, a ghost that haunts me every single day and night, and a perpetual shadow cast upon me. Unfortunately, the only thing I can do is to repress and bury those thoughts. Someday, I will be able to move on. Today is just not the day.

Mind over matter

Something I learnt in my yoga class today about love and ego:

Filling yourself with love, is not done by being some special and receiving love, but by being an empty vessel, stripping yourself of your ego and filling the empty vessel up with God's love.

I hope I do not sound like I belong to some freakish cult or something, but Yoga has really thought alot about myself and living life. It has given me strength when I am weak, and has guided me to light when I am in darkness.

I have always had the fear of doing a headstand. Almost two years of on-off yoga and I have never ever come close to attempting to do one because I was afraid of falling. I will just sit around and watch my classmates do an effortless headstand. Last week, Amy the Yogi instructor came over and asked if I wanted to try, and she showed and guided me through the initial steps I had to take before I actually lift my legs off the ground. I didn't try an actual headstand but it was a step closer. After that attempt, I teared. I wasn't sure why I teared, but I think I was grateful for her guidance. I thought back about how I lived my life in the past and realized that I was never guided along the way. Sometimes I feel very lost and my mind very cluttered, and sometimes all I needed was guidance; someone to take my hand and lead me to light, but there was never anyone to show me the way. What Amy did, although in a different context was what I really need in life. I need guidance. I wonder if my friends have ever had guidance, or if they are as lost as I am. Maybe they had their parents or siblings to guide them through life. What about someone who has absolutely no one to show them the right direction? How do they make decisions? Is this when God comes into play?

Today, another yogi instructor came up to me and asked if I wanted to try a headstand as she saw how I sat and watched everyone do one. She said "Don't let this be a barrier... I'll help you." and she did. I lifted my legs off the ground and found that 1 second of balance before my legs started wobbling again. It was the most accomplished feeling ever and it really really made my day.

walk away

I am soo tired, so tired from all these crap. I just want to be alone, and be who I want to be! Everyone around me is soo pretentious, and they are so judgmental. I just want all these to stop.

I've decided that I am going to what I do best. walk away from it all, just like that. I don't know how I do it, but the older I get, the more I become very detached to the people around me. It is so easy for me to make friends and hang out with a group of people or even someone everyday for a period of time, but it is even easier for me to do the exact opposite; walk away with no strings attached. I think I am becoming a robot. No one but myself matters anymore. I am staring at the world go by in my safety bubble, not letting anyone close enough to be in the same bubble as I am in. It's selfish of me, but there are not many people that I can really get along, and these are the people who know the real me. If I have to describe myself, I see myself as compassionate, passionate, understanding and so full of love. I just haven't found the right person to express my true self to. (although I did, I just decided to painstakingly let him go for his own good)

so what do I do, if the differences between myself and the people around me cannot be overcome? I walk away, and I leave them to carry on with their own business. Life is too short to be trying to please everyone.

The Shoulder Stand

The shoulder stand also known as sarvangasana in Sankrit, is the Queen of all Asanas as it benefits the whole body. To me the shoulder stand is the best anger and stress reliever and while doing it, I feel new vigor and strength, happy, confident and at peace. It's like letting a new life flow into me. The process of being inverted, in my opinion, is like letting yourself go and surrendering your mind and body. You see things from a different perspective and you clear your mind from selfish and mindless thoughts. To me, yoga has a healing effect. It strengthens your core muscles but more importantly it strengthens the mind.

With a very active mind, I find myself thinking about everything. I am a thinker. I ponder about life, about my past, my future, about society and the evolution of music. I think about everything possible whenever I get the chance to and being in NYC where so much is going on around you all the time sends my mind into a state of turbulence. I've recently found myself to be very much at ease and more resistent to these temptations with the help of yoga and meditation. Meditation is difficult initially especially with an active mind. You find your mind wandering actively about every single thing possible. But overtime, you learn to reach the sublime state of mind, where you're wavering between sleep and being awake and you remove yourself from your body. You can almost feel like you're looking down on your own body. After meditation, you feel like a brand new person, cool, calm and peaceful, and you feel invisible walking down the streets of nyc.

Is this how things end? You wake up one day and you let a part of you slip by, just like that?

I knew exactly what was going through his mind and I could predict his next move, words, thoughts and every nuances possible. I made a very practical and rational decision of letting go and I felt every single words of mine stabbed his heart and tore him apart. I couldn't say a word, because nothing I say would change the ending, and nothing I say would truly reflect the way I felt or thought about him. How do you tell someone that you care so much to leave and disappear from your life? It's double betrayal; betrayal to my feelings and betrayal to his feelings.

I watched a part of me walked out of the door and I felt every single tear of mine burnt my cheeks. I cried my heart out. Every single tear was shed for him, for all the good and memorable times that I had to let go, for the bond between us that I broke, and for everything that he had done for me selflessly.

I watched the rain fall onto the streets from my living room and I wondered what he was doing and how he felt, and I wanted so much to hold him and be held. Unfortunately, it is the best thing to do for the both of us. You have to do what you have to do before you can do what you want to do.

Mr Cellophane

My entire life was spent trying to fathom him. To me, he is someone that I truly fear yet respect. He is like a mysterious author who conveys messages indirectly and discreetly and to fully understand his "hidden message", readers have to read between the lines. I have studied him like a book and have failed miserably to understand him. Over the years, the constant attempts to dissect his mysterious motives have sharpened my abilities to see right through people. Most people, in general, are easy and they are basically what they show themselves to be; no hidden messages whatsoever. Some people try to convey a message discreetly but fail terribly as I scrutinize and peel the mask that covers them. He, is however a tough riddle to crack. He is very intelligent and very inconsistent with his actions, like a general who never uses the same strategy at war.

Just yesterday, my mum made a comment about a friend who is living close to Mount Vernon. The words "Mount Vernon" immediately reminded me of my late grandfather who was cremated there 15 years ago.

He has always been a very filial son and who has always preached about being grateful and I knew then that the words "mount Vernon" must have struck a chord in his head, but I wasn't sure. It might just be another failed attempt to decipher him, and I found myself wondering if he was reminded of his late father and if he would take time out of his extremely busy schedule to pay his respect, something that he has not done in a long time. I thought then that I would never find out since he was not known for showing his emotions.

Later on that day, my mum received a phone call from my dad asking us if we wanted to go visit the "old man", an endearing term that he uses whenever he refers to his dad. I let a smile slipped though my mouth as though I had solved a very difficult riddle. Is this finally a start to a brand new era, or is this the beginning to an end? Did I finally break the code? Am I finally getting to know him? Or has old aged changed the way he think? Is he becoming more straightforward at conveying his messages?

I always thought that life is like composing music. When people are fairly young and the musical composition of their lives is still in its opening bars, it is hard to predict what goes into the writing of the song. However, as one gets older, their musical composition is complete, and every motif, every word is exposed. Maybe my dad's musical composition is finally complete.

Crystal Clear

As I sat on the sand after work watching the thundering waves hit the shore and the sun setting into the horizon, I rested my head on the sand to enjoy the sea breeze against my face. I opened my eyes to the best sight ever; a perfectly evenly colored blue sky. I stared at the vast blueness in front of me for a very long time. It was clear, untarnished, so simple and blue, and so beautiful, yet no one sees or appreciates it. Everyone is too involved with the people around them, they can't see the finer beauty in life. It dawned upon me that these people need to take a step back and look at things from a different angle so that they can see things clearly and understand it all.