In transition...

There are times when I feel like I'm in transition. Sometimes I feel like I'm running away yet at the same time running towards something. I can't quite figure out my place and time and it is almost like I barely exist. However, the wave of emotions I experience during this transition stage reinforces my existence in this world. I have never felt so real and I have never seen things so clearly in the midst of all the blurriness.

Burning fire

I am home. Even though I am surrounded by familiar faces, I still feel like a stranger, struggling to pick up from where I left off and relearning the way things are done here all over again. I thought it would be different this time since most of my friends are back, but I can't help but think of NYC. This feeling of uneasyness and awkwardness befounds me. Maybe it is the carefree lifestyle (that I will have to eventually give up), or the very fact that being so far away means avoiding all the problems back home or just the simple thought of his very existence that keeps me bonded to NYC, but regardless, I dread the day I have to leave the city that I fell in love in and with and lug my suitcases back to reality. It's almost like NYC has become my new home. I feel like I belong there, like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that fits. Ironically, I am surrounded by a sense of calm and tranquility amidst the hustle and bustle of the city.


I still think about him frequently. I wonder if he hears me and sees the things I see. I wonder if he is doing well and if he is in a better place. It's like a burning fire that I cannot put out, a ghost that haunts me every single day and night, and a perpetual shadow cast upon me. Unfortunately, the only thing I can do is to repress and bury those thoughts. Someday, I will be able to move on. Today is just not the day.

Mind over matter

Something I learnt in my yoga class today about love and ego:

Filling yourself with love, is not done by being some special and receiving love, but by being an empty vessel, stripping yourself of your ego and filling the empty vessel up with God's love.

I hope I do not sound like I belong to some freakish cult or something, but Yoga has really thought alot about myself and living life. It has given me strength when I am weak, and has guided me to light when I am in darkness.

I have always had the fear of doing a headstand. Almost two years of on-off yoga and I have never ever come close to attempting to do one because I was afraid of falling. I will just sit around and watch my classmates do an effortless headstand. Last week, Amy the Yogi instructor came over and asked if I wanted to try, and she showed and guided me through the initial steps I had to take before I actually lift my legs off the ground. I didn't try an actual headstand but it was a step closer. After that attempt, I teared. I wasn't sure why I teared, but I think I was grateful for her guidance. I thought back about how I lived my life in the past and realized that I was never guided along the way. Sometimes I feel very lost and my mind very cluttered, and sometimes all I needed was guidance; someone to take my hand and lead me to light, but there was never anyone to show me the way. What Amy did, although in a different context was what I really need in life. I need guidance. I wonder if my friends have ever had guidance, or if they are as lost as I am. Maybe they had their parents or siblings to guide them through life. What about someone who has absolutely no one to show them the right direction? How do they make decisions? Is this when God comes into play?

Today, another yogi instructor came up to me and asked if I wanted to try a headstand as she saw how I sat and watched everyone do one. She said "Don't let this be a barrier... I'll help you." and she did. I lifted my legs off the ground and found that 1 second of balance before my legs started wobbling again. It was the most accomplished feeling ever and it really really made my day.

walk away

I am soo tired, so tired from all these crap. I just want to be alone, and be who I want to be! Everyone around me is soo pretentious, and they are so judgmental. I just want all these to stop.

I've decided that I am going to what I do best. walk away from it all, just like that. I don't know how I do it, but the older I get, the more I become very detached to the people around me. It is so easy for me to make friends and hang out with a group of people or even someone everyday for a period of time, but it is even easier for me to do the exact opposite; walk away with no strings attached. I think I am becoming a robot. No one but myself matters anymore. I am staring at the world go by in my safety bubble, not letting anyone close enough to be in the same bubble as I am in. It's selfish of me, but there are not many people that I can really get along, and these are the people who know the real me. If I have to describe myself, I see myself as compassionate, passionate, understanding and so full of love. I just haven't found the right person to express my true self to. (although I did, I just decided to painstakingly let him go for his own good)

so what do I do, if the differences between myself and the people around me cannot be overcome? I walk away, and I leave them to carry on with their own business. Life is too short to be trying to please everyone.

The Shoulder Stand

The shoulder stand also known as sarvangasana in Sankrit, is the Queen of all Asanas as it benefits the whole body. To me the shoulder stand is the best anger and stress reliever and while doing it, I feel new vigor and strength, happy, confident and at peace. It's like letting a new life flow into me. The process of being inverted, in my opinion, is like letting yourself go and surrendering your mind and body. You see things from a different perspective and you clear your mind from selfish and mindless thoughts. To me, yoga has a healing effect. It strengthens your core muscles but more importantly it strengthens the mind.

With a very active mind, I find myself thinking about everything. I am a thinker. I ponder about life, about my past, my future, about society and the evolution of music. I think about everything possible whenever I get the chance to and being in NYC where so much is going on around you all the time sends my mind into a state of turbulence. I've recently found myself to be very much at ease and more resistent to these temptations with the help of yoga and meditation. Meditation is difficult initially especially with an active mind. You find your mind wandering actively about every single thing possible. But overtime, you learn to reach the sublime state of mind, where you're wavering between sleep and being awake and you remove yourself from your body. You can almost feel like you're looking down on your own body. After meditation, you feel like a brand new person, cool, calm and peaceful, and you feel invisible walking down the streets of nyc.

Is this how things end? You wake up one day and you let a part of you slip by, just like that?

I knew exactly what was going through his mind and I could predict his next move, words, thoughts and every nuances possible. I made a very practical and rational decision of letting go and I felt every single words of mine stabbed his heart and tore him apart. I couldn't say a word, because nothing I say would change the ending, and nothing I say would truly reflect the way I felt or thought about him. How do you tell someone that you care so much to leave and disappear from your life? It's double betrayal; betrayal to my feelings and betrayal to his feelings.

I watched a part of me walked out of the door and I felt every single tear of mine burnt my cheeks. I cried my heart out. Every single tear was shed for him, for all the good and memorable times that I had to let go, for the bond between us that I broke, and for everything that he had done for me selflessly.

I watched the rain fall onto the streets from my living room and I wondered what he was doing and how he felt, and I wanted so much to hold him and be held. Unfortunately, it is the best thing to do for the both of us. You have to do what you have to do before you can do what you want to do.

Mr Cellophane

My entire life was spent trying to fathom him. To me, he is someone that I truly fear yet respect. He is like a mysterious author who conveys messages indirectly and discreetly and to fully understand his "hidden message", readers have to read between the lines. I have studied him like a book and have failed miserably to understand him. Over the years, the constant attempts to dissect his mysterious motives have sharpened my abilities to see right through people. Most people, in general, are easy and they are basically what they show themselves to be; no hidden messages whatsoever. Some people try to convey a message discreetly but fail terribly as I scrutinize and peel the mask that covers them. He, is however a tough riddle to crack. He is very intelligent and very inconsistent with his actions, like a general who never uses the same strategy at war.

Just yesterday, my mum made a comment about a friend who is living close to Mount Vernon. The words "Mount Vernon" immediately reminded me of my late grandfather who was cremated there 15 years ago.

He has always been a very filial son and who has always preached about being grateful and I knew then that the words "mount Vernon" must have struck a chord in his head, but I wasn't sure. It might just be another failed attempt to decipher him, and I found myself wondering if he was reminded of his late father and if he would take time out of his extremely busy schedule to pay his respect, something that he has not done in a long time. I thought then that I would never find out since he was not known for showing his emotions.

Later on that day, my mum received a phone call from my dad asking us if we wanted to go visit the "old man", an endearing term that he uses whenever he refers to his dad. I let a smile slipped though my mouth as though I had solved a very difficult riddle. Is this finally a start to a brand new era, or is this the beginning to an end? Did I finally break the code? Am I finally getting to know him? Or has old aged changed the way he think? Is he becoming more straightforward at conveying his messages?

I always thought that life is like composing music. When people are fairly young and the musical composition of their lives is still in its opening bars, it is hard to predict what goes into the writing of the song. However, as one gets older, their musical composition is complete, and every motif, every word is exposed. Maybe my dad's musical composition is finally complete.

Crystal Clear

As I sat on the sand after work watching the thundering waves hit the shore and the sun setting into the horizon, I rested my head on the sand to enjoy the sea breeze against my face. I opened my eyes to the best sight ever; a perfectly evenly colored blue sky. I stared at the vast blueness in front of me for a very long time. It was clear, untarnished, so simple and blue, and so beautiful, yet no one sees or appreciates it. Everyone is too involved with the people around them, they can't see the finer beauty in life. It dawned upon me that these people need to take a step back and look at things from a different angle so that they can see things clearly and understand it all.

The end of year 2007

The final leg of 2007 went by in a whirl. I was so caught up with school, moving into my new apartment, waitressing, babysitting and catching up with friends that I've neglected "me" time. I spent most of the days in December frantically typing on my laptop, blabbering about theories that made sense to me then, and speed-reading 600 pages in less than 36 hours. I have never felt my eyes so sore and my brain so drained at the same time. After 18 years of taking countless exams, I no longer worry about not remembering anything just before my exam because I know I can count on the phenomenal function of my brain to remember stuff when it is time for it to. It's almost like deja voo.


Spending the last week of December with my family almost everyday was a good change in pace and a chance for us to finally spend quality time together. The last time I actually had dinner with my dad everyday for three consecutive days was probably 10 years ago when we went on a vacation together. I've never woken up with my dad in the same vicinity or go to bed knowing that he's still awake. This time, we also spoke about different things on a different level. Maybe it is his age catching up with him and he feels the need to be more understanding, or perhaps I've learnt the art of expressing my provoking thoughts subtlety so that my conservative dad can digest them, but whatever it is, it is working well, and we spoke more than we ever did in the last 6 years. I feel that over the last 6 months, I've grown to be more understanding and compassionate and I try to put myself in someone else's shoes before passing a judgement. I've learnt to reassess situations and weigh the consequences, and I've also learnt to tell myself NO and to refrain myself from doing things that will give me temporary satisfaction but can potentially be detrimental in the long run. Sometimes all it takes is for something to go right before everything else falls into place.

Life is like a riddle. You collect clues along the way that will lead you to the right answer.

Me and my pizza friend

It's monday today and I'm still feeling tired from a night out two nights ago. I finally decided to go out after almost 2 months, but only because it was Halloween. I really wasn't all that excited like the previous 5 years, but I managed to throw some stuff together and went to Marquee as a flapper girl. I bought a wig, and a cigarette holder, and wore my own dress, stockings, shoes and carried my own bag. At least I know I won't look like everyone else on the streets. I saw a guy in a gym outfit, wearing rat ears, nose and whiskers. So I asked if he was the rat in Ratatoiulle and he said "No, I am a gym rat!" ... I'm really amazed by how much effort these people actually put in to come up with an outfit just for halloween! There were lotsa wonderwomen and gypsies this year, unlike the previous years where there were too many uniformed women. I got bored after an hour, very unlike my usual self. I think I've outgrown the partying scene. I can tell because my shopping habits have changed... I no longer buy party clothes. And, I don't even like putting on all that much make up anymore. My face broke out in spots after ONE night of partying, and I woke up feeling like I'd drank a barrel of vodka, when I had ONE drink.

I must say that I have to salute Kelly's courage for wearing a pizza outfit that night. She looked hilarious and I couldn't stop laughing when I saw her. She got me so hungry, I bought myself a slice of pizza after I left the club.

An encounter with my 6 year old cousin

My 6 year old cousin sent me a message on MSN today and she asked me how old I am this year. It was a simple "How old are you?" with no underlying intentions of "can I sleep with you?" or "can I join you and your friends so that WE (meaning him) can get into the club?". It was such an innocent and straightforward question that I reacted with a "what do you mean?" question. My six year old cousin who probably thinks I am retarded because I don't quite understand a simple "how old are you question" then asked "why are you always on your computer? are you always at home?". Since when did kids become so technologically saavy and so smart? And do they always speak their mind? If so, when exactly do people start hiding their thoughts and how they feel? I felt like a loser, even my 6 year old cousin thinks I lack a social life. I replied "Yes, I am always at home. My work requires me to use the computer." And she replied so cleverly "don't use your computer too much. Very bad for your eyes!" I quickly said that I had to go, that I had to finish up some work.. and she said "ok...bye"

Exactly 1 min later, the MSN window started flashing. "HI.... which countree are you staying now?" and I chuckled. She obviously doesn't know the importance of work and deadline because she has never had to do work or face a deadline. I replied "New York City, in the USA". She replied "where is that?" How do I tell her that the USA is an area south of Canada??? So I just said "VERY FAR AWAY!" and she said "Me, Timothy (her brother), Felicia (her sister), Gerald (her brother), Pin Chong (her dad), Bee Lian (her mum), we are going to a countree at the end of the year"... I already think my cousin is very Americanized, calling her mum and dad by their first name. I asked which country they are going to visit and she said "EJEEP" in capitalized letters. "WOW, I've never been there... CAN I GO WITH YOU????" And she said bluntly "No, we booked everything already" and I decided to joke around a little and lighten things up, so I said "It's ok, I can share the bed with you!!" and she replied bluntly "I have to go and do something now. bye"

A 6 year old kid just outrightly rejected me. She wasn't even trying to be nice to me. Maybe I should start learning from her, and just speak my mind.

Nothing said...

I came back from school today and I felt as though the world has stopped revolving, that everything around me has ceased to exist. I spent my entire 45 mins on the train pondering. When I have too much time, I ponder. I pondered about my life, and I pondered about his, and how our lives are so disconnected but yet so intertwined, how we are so different but yet we still stand together on the same side. I thought about what I would have done the last one week when I was seriously ill without him. I stayed home the last 5 days with him, and never once left home to go out for brunch or to the gym. Not without him at least. We went to Whole Foods, spent a good whole hour in there just walking up and down the aisles, looking at every single item on the shelves and not saying a word. We strolled down Chinatown to get some porridge and some herbal soup, and stared at the empty dining tables filled with chinese raw vegetables waiting to be chopped up. And he asked why Chinese food is so cheap compared to western food, and I told him that it's because the Americans capitalized them. We strolled up and down Court Street in Brooklyn at midnight, our new found hang out spot in Brooklyn, and enjoyed the quietness and the chilliness of the night. We sat in the subway station waiting for the G train at 12.06am even though there were signs plastered all the walls saying "No G trains from 12.01am - 5am" and we rejoiced silently when the G train miraculously came at 12.09am. We sat in the train and automatically pulled out books to read throughout the entire journey. We barely spoke the last five days, but yet we were connected in so many different ways.


Today we woke up and we both talked. We talked about stuff we never usually talked about. He told me about his worries, and I told him about my life long plans. We talked about things that made the both of us sad and he said things that made me happy. We talked and we talked, and it was like we were talking to make up for lost time. We went for coffee at LifeThyme and stared at the rain that hit the streets so hard. I sipped on my coffee while he ate his pie and we stared at the rain until I had to leave for school. We bumped into each other again when I came back from class, and he grabbed my arm when he was stepping into the train while I was stepping out, and shooked me out of my own world. I turned and saw the door closed between us. He smiled at me through the glass door, and I smiled back. As I watched the train leave the track I never felt so lost yet so alone standing on the very familiar track that I've been standing on every single day.

I opened the door to the apartment and I saw a bowl of salad prepared the way I like it and I smiled. I knew I was home. Over the last 5 days, even though we did things together quietly, sometimes even without a word said, I felt like we had the longest and most engaging conversations ever.

Stranger in the mirror

As I moved from my old blog to a new one, it reminded me of how a chapter of my life has ended, and how I've moved on to another. Looking back, every single blog that I've owned (this is my 3rd one) portrayed my thoughts and actions during a certain phase in life.

My very first blog started in the UK, and showed the parties I attended at University, travel pictures with my school buddies, lotsa drinking and crazy partying involved, and random posts about my thoughts and life in the UK and back home in Singapore. I was a kid then, with the need to announce to the world how great my life was. My blog ended on a bad note with too much being said.

Then I started my second blog when I moved to New York City on an angry note. I was angry with the world, for judging me before getting knowing me. But I got over that and moved on to comparing my life in NYC to Warwick/London. It was like a first step into the world of indulgence where it was no longer just cheap beers at the Union, budget travel and cooking sessions with my flat mates, but going for ballet performances, networking sessions, expensive dinners, expensive drinks at the clubs and exotic vacations. Then gradually, as I slowly transcend into the working world, it went from expensive dinners every month to very expensive dinners almost every week, designers clothes, bags and shoes, excessive exercising and unhealthy obsession with counting calories, limousine car rides home every night, weekend trips to exotic islands/lodges, flying business class and leading the high life. It got over my head, and I had to let everyone know how my life couldnt have been better. I had the perfect job in the perfect city, with lotsa money to spend, and I was slim for once! It was a dream that ended all too soon when I realized how much I hated my job, how arrogant and condescending I've become. I've turned into someone that I've always hated. I had a short fuse and I was very superficial. Something told me to run then, and I did. I left my job and everything came crashing. My perfect life was no longer perfect, I had savings to rely on, but no positive cashflows and I had visa problems.

I had the option of following the crowd and return to the banking industry or to take the road less travelled to discover myself. And with a leap of faith, I chose the latter. I need to find myself. Every individual has gone through this phase during their younger years, but I didn't. I never gave myself a chance to ask myself what I wanted or what I liked. On any drama series, there is successful sibling who runs the family business, and then there is the other wholives his or her life to the fullest doing the things he or she loves to do. I've always wanted to be the more successful one. Maybe it's the pressure to prove my worth, but I've always felt the need to be better than everyone else around me. Everything was black and white then. If I wasn't successful, I would be useless. Today, as I've lived 24 years of my life, I have no idea who I am.

Nothing is black and white anymore, there's no wrong or right, and everything is just a big whirl of blur. Even though I still find myself asking if I will like what I've gone into, I've no regrets going into it because it has taught me alot about life and the reasons behind the decisions I've made so far in life. Be it Marketing, Leadership, Events Organization or Applied Research, I've somehow managed to use theories that I've learnt in these classes to justify my previous actions. These classes have also taught me to manage myself as a person, and that I should know my strengths and weaknesses and not try to change who I am and be someone that I am not. Sometimes something so simple can be easier said than done, but all my life, I've been trying to change myself so that I can become the person I WANT to be and not the person that I am or can be.

As I start on a brand new blog, I wonder how it will shape the person that I will be and the content that will be written a couple of months from now. Maybe I'll find myself then, maybe I'll be discouraged and disappointed, maybe I'll change into a brand new person. There are so many possibilities, but I would rather not drive myself crazy and think about it. I've always believed in fate and I wonder where it will take me to this time.